Waiting For You Online

“No, Qin Yang, it has nothing to do with it, you don’t have to change anything for me.” He Jin tried not to cry and he shook his head, “it’s because of me, this is a very difficult path for me. Even without that kind of pressure, we won’t be together forever. And we will certainly not be able to walk under sunshine...Qin Yang, let’s return now. Let’s break up.”

“I don’t accept it!” Qin Yang hurriedly started begging through the bracelet, “He Jin, I cannot, I am going to the train station now, and I will buy the next train to Q city. You wait for me, I want to see you, I want to see you...”

He Jin immediately stopped, “Qin Yang, I’ve made up my mind. Be mature, and don’t do anything stupid. And don’t come look for me...you’ve become so excellent now, you don’t have to limit yourself for me, I’m sure you’ll find someone much better, and that person won’t be me...I don’t deserve it.”

He Jin tried his utmost best not to tremble. After this sentence, he hung up and switched off his bracelet.

It seemed that there’s still warmth and breath of Qin Yang from the previous night. His shoulders were shaking, he couldn’t stand still anymore. He slowly squatted and held his body. His heart was going to be torn apart.

He was convincing himself over and over again. He Jin, you’ve let yourself go, you’ve chased your dream. You’ve drunk, stayed up, played the tennis, skipped classes, went skiing, and had the most memorable relationship...those things that you’ve wanted to do, you’ve tried them all, and you have no regrets now. It’s time to return to the “right” path and bear your responsibilities.

Qin Yang couldn’t get through the phone of He Jin, he kicked the coffee table, threw the cushion on the floor and hit on the wall furiously. Then, he sat on the floor and began to think hard what he had done wrong. Why did He Jin leave him? He’s already done everything he could, and he tried so hard to be the best. Everything seemed to be going well, and he still seemed to see He Jin washing dishes in front of him at this moment. But now, he’s left alone again, and he’s the only one in this apartment...

He tried his very best to calm down, and slowly picked up the small pieces of the letter that he had thrown on the floor. His hands were shaking, and he was trying to make them in order again. Some got under the sofa, and some got stuck in the crack of the corners of the table...he couldn’t find all of them. In the end, it was an incomplete letter.

“Qin Yang, sorry...”

“Two months ago, my father found me and told me that my mother’s fallen sick. She has serious depression. I saw her once and she’s not in a good condition. She also doesn’t know what she’s doing. I thought that I’d fight for the freedom to be with you, yet she even refused to let me work in A City. After I mentioned it, she immediately reacted vigorously. Let alone mentioning to be with you...”

“My dad knows that I am with you and he slapped me. This is the first time he has ever slapped me, since he’s really disappointed in me. I am not trying to complain to you, I am just telling you how difficult it is for us to be together...”

“She only gave birth to me at the age of 39. When she was 44, my brother was gone, and I’m now their only son, their only mental support...they’re over 60 now, and if I just let myself be the way I am, I’ll only make my mom suffer more, and my dad will also bear heavier pressure. Please, forgive me, I can’t be so selfish to only think of my happiness.”

Qin Yang tightened his fist and read further with teary eyes...

“I might be listening to them, find a stable job at home, and...maybe get married, but I’m not sure if I can still like a woman, as you’ve left such a deep mark in my heart...”

—I don’t agree. He Jin, I don’t agree! You’re mine, and I won’t allow you to get married!

“Qin Yang, your father once told me to never hurt you. I couldn’t keep that promise. I am so sorry, I can’t hurt my parents, and I could choose to hurt you...sometimes, I really envy you. You’re so brave and confident, and you’re so positive, I feel really happy to be with you...I’m so jealous of you, and that’s why I left, as I wanted to let you know that the world doesn’t turn around just for you alone...am I too evil? Right, I think so, I’m too bad, I’m weak and I look down on myself. So, please stop loving me.”

“I curse myself, so that I can bear this pain for my whole life for hurting you. And I wish you could find someone a hundred, a thousand times better than me. I hope that person won’t leave you again and again like I did. And I hope he can stay with you forever, love, protect and cherish you forever.”

—Ah Jin, who doesn’t deserve your love.”

“Stupid...stupid Ah Jin...” While Qin Yang was holding those torn papers, tears wouldn’t stop dropping from his eyes. He’s like a lost kid and he could no longer control his fear. He started crying loudly...

He didn’t know for how long he’d cried, but Qin Yang felt like some part of his body was broken. He stood up and looked around – all of He Jin’s stuff was still there. His notebook, tennis racket, the book on his desk, the game helmet, even his clothes were still all in the closet...these stuffs gave an illusion to Qin Yang, as if He Jin had never left. It’s like that person just went out for a while and he’d return soon. The voice that once called him “lazy” would the most beautiful sound on earth now.

Qin Yang wanted to get away from the reality. He went back to bed and used the blanket to wrap himself up. He slept for the whole afternoon, and only woke up in the evening, feeling more exhausted. He really wanted to tell himself that it’s just a nightmare after all. But once he opened his eyes again, his brain reminded him about the breakup. The apartment was filled with quietness, and Qin Yang held his head sorrowfully, “ah ah ah——”